Finding Heaven

Good blogging etiquette delineates that a successful blog post should always be succinct, direct, and largely impersonal so that the reader–any reader–can read it quickly and relate to the content. Well today I have to say, screw that. Send my warmest regards to convention, but I need to vent and delve into the realm of things personal. So here it is, the blog post that should probably have gone forever unpublished.

Family Matters

I love my family. But it’s also very complicated. Let’s just say the ol’ family tree is crooked, has a few broken branches, and the trunk is knobby and pest-ridden… But the roots– ah, the roots are pristine. 

Being the child of a broken marriage is not at all unusual. Looking back, the weirdest part for me was probably not growing up with a stable understanding of “home”. From the time I was seven months old, my older brother and I would switch houses every other weekend, on holidays, etc. The constant to and fro never seemed abnormal at the time–but now hearing people talk nostalgically about their childhood homes, I realize that I may have an ill-conceived notion of what “home” was, and is… Because nostalgia is not among the feelings I experience when I think of my childhood houses.

Both parents ended up getting remarried when I was still a small toddler (to fantastic people), so I was given two more loving parents–which has really been a blessing. Through the two new marriages, seven sweet kids were brought into the world. If you have been doing the math, that makes eight siblings total. All of these kids are honestly impossible not to love (no, I’m not biased). Every single day they amaze, awe, and inspire me.

It has definitely been a challenge, though, being the relic of a failed marriage and bouncing between two newly established families. Regardless of how welcoming my step-parents and parents have been, sometimes it’s still a very awkward thing–showing up with all my baggage while they are having family-dinner, or playing a game. I imagine it’s akin to a businessman coming home after a long trip, having missed so much family time that there’s virtually no way to catch up on everything. And, oh lord, try explaining to a crying six year old that you have to leave so often because you are technically part of another family, too. You are standing precariously on the periphery of two completely different families… Part of both, and somehow neither.

Divorce is just a really hard thing. And, truly, because it is so prevalent, it is largely marginalized as a struggle. This past year, I had a very dear friend whose parents divorced after twenty-five years of marriage. Now he is watching his parents re-invent their lives as individuals– dating new people, apartment hopping, etc.– and I’m watching his idea of “home” become less and less of a stable notion. All the while, he is being a tough guy because “a lot of people go through divorces”, as if that somehow makes it easier.

My step-dad’s father spent twenty-two years in prison. When he got out, I was in college, in the midst of a personal crisis, dealing (unsuccessfully) with the typical family qualms. A series of extramarital affairs, seemingly cataclysmic fights between parents, and overall familial drama had me reeling and trying to find some sort of understanding and peace through it all. I still don’t really know how he saw right through me, this former inmate that I had never had previous contact with. But at some family event, he looked me square in the eye and said, “You want to know the hardest thing any kid comes to realize?”

“What is that?” I asked him, half afraid of the answer.

“That his parents are not in fact perfect, as he had always thought… Want to know the second hardest thing?”

“Yes..?” I answered, with probably a tint more sass than was necessary, but not thrilled with his cat-and-mouse game.

“Forgiving them.”

This conversation was two years or so ago now and it still burns in my memory as brilliantly as the day we had it. For a long time I carried bitterness and resentment everywhere because my parents really did make a hell of a lot of mistakes. But they also did a lot of things very well. And it turns out bitterness and resentment are very, very heavy companions.

Last January my mom and step-dad finalized their divorce after eighteen years of marriage. Now, being an adult and being at least remotely established on my own, I am less phased by the fallout. But helplessly I’m left watching my little brothers, fourteen and eleven, feel the deeply jarring instability that accompanies the end of a marriage. Meanwhile both my mom and step-dad are trying on lovers like t-shirts, trying to put band-aids on the gunshot wound of a love that long gone wrong.

Through it all, I think I’ve probably learned only two things for sure. I hope you’re ready for this:

1) Marriage is hard

2) Divorce is hard.

That’s it. That’s all I have.

Oh, and this awesome quote to chew on–

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven… –John Milton

We do always have a choice. Find your heaven through the hell.



Natur(e)al Therapy

There is pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture in the lonely shore, there is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not Man the less, but Nature more.     -Lord Byron

I have a chronic problem where I tend to overwork myself until the physical, mental, and emotional stress are entirely consuming. My very wise fourteen year-old brother recently named this phenomenon “The Fog”. Quarter-annually, almost as if governed by an intrinsic time-clock, the fog will creep in unnoticed and muddle things in my brain-case. For those of you that haven’t felt this way before, I have a couple of analogies that should shed light on the sensation:

1) You are horrendously hungover and your brain is accessing memories at what feels like 2 thoughts per minute. The Fog.

2) You wake up in the morning disoriented, and it takes a couple of minutes to realize where, or who, you are. The Fog.

Now fog by itself is fairly innocuous, I’m not trying to villainize it by any means. But anything that slows down or obscures thinking/feeling is definitely not a friend to me (with the exception of red wine). So when I start to feel the fog coming on, I try to find ways to de-stress. Quick fixes to give myself a reset emotionally/mentally. One of these ways is spending time outside.

It’s funny that it takes things breaking-down before we tend to take care of them. This is particularly an interesting issue in the realm of medicine. I’ve had innumerable customers talk to me about wanting to change their diet now that they have diabetes, bad cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc. Although this is always exciting news to me, and definitely beats the “Well, I took my Lipitor this morning, so I can eat all the bacon in the whole world” approach 10/10 times, it’s still unsatisfactory. It really shouldn’t take scary diagnoses to inspire us to be healthy.

It is hard to practice dedication in taking care of your body. Some mornings that 5:30 alarm for exercise before work is actually the voice of Satan. But it is so much easier to maintain health than it is to try and re-discover it. Emotional health deserves the same attention and is even harder to be aware of.

So recently I’ve been trying to make a habit of spending some time outside every day. Nature has always had a way of making me feel very pleasantly insignificant and calm. I’m hoping that doing this outdoor thing will eradicate the fog phenomenon, which is scheduled for next Tuesday it looks like. Will keep you posted.

Here’s some nature photography, in case you don’t get enough

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*sorry about the spiders*